he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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