Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
