PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
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