Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
