i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
