No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
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at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
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Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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