i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
