Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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