there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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