Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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