Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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