The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
