i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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