mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
