You smell like stripper and shame
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
