4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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