I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
