I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
