I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
