This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
