We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
it hurts more in the daytime
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
