And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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