Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
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Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
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sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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