I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
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Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
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We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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