Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
