I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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