I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
