you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
