onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
