This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
