dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
