I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
