just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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