I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
