So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
