we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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