im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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