I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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