She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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