Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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