dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
