I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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