Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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