you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?