I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.