i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
tell me about the eggs
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
