I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
