Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
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He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
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I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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