Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
