so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
