I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
