How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize