Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
