Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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