1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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