I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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