my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
not ubering you a puppy
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
