Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?