ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?