Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.