Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji