you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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